Hello to all my blogging buddies out there!
I pray this finds you all happy and feeling well. It's been a whirlwind kind of week again, I've been through the whole scope of emotions. Let's see.......to begin with, I received a call from my daughter last Thursday morning.......EARLY. The poor thing was so horribly sick, and Rick was still at work, and she needed help!! I got there as soon as I could, (which wasn't fast enough for ME), and got James up and dressed him, ran to the store for Sprite, and then got her settled on the couch, and left. My heart was breaking, wanting to stay and care for her, but knowing that James didn't need to be exposed to anything. My Mom came over for her weekly play day with James, so I was able to go over and check on her later. By that time, Rick was home, and I felt much better knowing she wasn't alone. At this point, Heather really thought she had a case of food poisoning.......ICK!!! She called me around 4:00 that afternoon, and said she was feeling a bit better, but certainly not good. I took James home that evening, and stayed with them till he went to bed that night. Rick didn't have to work that night, so again, she wasn't alone. Friday morning she felt better, but very woozy and weak, and SORE! She stayed home from work again, so I didn't have James that day. WELL,........by 10:30 that night, I called HER, and asked if she had any Sprite left! My sweet baby girl brought me the Sprite, along with Gatorade, and some saltines. Guess it wasn't food poisioning after all! So Friday night all night long was, well, as ugly as Thursday had been for Heather. I finally got to get some sleep around the crack of dawn the next morning. So Saturday was just a sleepy, sore, icky day. I prayed the whole time for nobody else to get it!!!! The thought of James being THAT sick, when he was still fighting off his first cold had me gripped in fear.
But THANK YOU, LORD, he never came down with it. And neither has anyone else. My diet still consists mostly of Gatorade and crackers, although I did manage a small bowl of tomato soup today at lunch.
Unfortunately, during all of this, Beryl's Dad took a serious turn for the worse. He is now living in his own world all the time, and doesn't really know anyone anymore. And he was in so much pain, and unable to tell us exactly where he hurt. Beryl called me Saturday night, and asked my opinion about some pain pills that his Mom had used awhile back. I told him to try them, and if they didn't work, then it was time to go to the hospital. They worked pretty well, and Dad was able to get some sleep that night, as well as the rest of the household. Sunday morning, he seemed to be just a bit better, but still refused to eat anything, and was still asking Beryl to take him home.........heartbreaking.
So I rode part way around the wells with Beryl that morning, and then we had to go to town to get his Mom some more cough medicine, and I made a mad dash through the store to pick up a few gift items for Easter, not knowing if I would get another chance. Then we came home, and worked on the house, starting to get things in order, as we have decided to use my house for the family gathering if and when Dad goes "home". He left here fairly early, and I stayed up working on the house till late in the night. On Monday morning, he called me in tears, asking if I could come over and help care for Dad. So I called my Mom, and she came over to stay with James, and off to the farm I flew. Dad was so out of it, and we were almost out of pain pills, and Beryl and his Mom were SO tired and emotionally spent. I went in and sat on the floor at Dad's feet, (he spends all his time in his reclining/lift chair), and reached up and took his hand in mine, and began to pray. As I was looking up into his sweet face, he opened his eyes, and smiled at me. "Oh, you made it", he said, and I said "Yes, Dad, I'm right here, what can I do for you?" Now, he didn't even know I was coming over, and to be honest, he didn't REALLY even know who I was, but he was able to tell me that he was hot, so I got his ice pack and put it around his neck, and he settled right down and went to sleep. He slept off and on for several hours, and I stayed the day with him, and Beryl was able to make a flying dash around his wells, and come back home. After talking to Beryl, I called the Doctor again, and explained the situation, and he called in a prescription for the pain pills for us. THANK YOU, LORD! We are all in agreement that all that can be done now is to keep Dad as comfortable and pain free as possible. And now, low and behold, he actually agreed to eat a little bit today! He still doesn't know who he's eating WITH, but that's O.K.!! I just pray that we can continue to control his pain.
SO, after 4 long days of hardly getting to see my little love bug, I was really looking forward to today! I NEEDED my baby! And I think he must have missed me, too, cause the lovin' and kissin' that went on here today was fierce!!!
LOL. We just had the best time, playing, and kissing, and reading books, and kissing, and acting silly, and did I mention how kissy he was? And it turned out to be a BIG day for us! Heather had told me that he started to pull himself up to his knees on Sunday. WELL, this morning, as he started to wake up from his nap, I just hung around outside his room, to see what would happen. He always just plays and babbles for a little while when he wakes up, before he wants out of bed. So I just sat down here in my computer chair, where I could see straight into his room, and watched and waited.........and sure enough, after a couple of minutes, I could see his little hand reach up and grab the rail of his crib............and then the other hand..........and after working on it a bit, the most precious face in the world popped up and looked out over the end of the crib!!!
He looked right at me and just SMILED!!!! He was SO proud! The whole world looked different to him, and you could see his little wheels turning at least 100 miles an hour!!! He was giggling, and I was bawling! Where has my little baby gone, and when did this "big boy" get here? So I went in to get him, and he chose that precise moment to get extremely, violently, kissy with me! I mean, grab both sides of my face, and just smother my whole face with open-mouthed, slobbery, sweet kisses that just made me laugh out loud!!!! So then we had to do the "happy dance" in honor of his newest achievement, which made us BOTH laugh!!! As if that wasn't a big enough "first", he had yet another one in store for me! We were having a standoff over him not bothering the floor fan again, (which he KNOWS is a no-no!), and after moving him away from it at least 4 times right in a row, he went RIGHT back to it AGAIN!! This time I picked him up, and said "Gammo told you NO", and sat him in the middle of his "playpen". At which point he looked directly at me, and shook his tiny little hand at me and said plain as day....."NO". In one split second I thought to myself...."you can't faint, and you can't laugh, and you CAN'T do the happy dance". LOL. What do you do? Inside, I was ROLLING, but I never let him catch on to it! And he must have got it through his head, cause he didn't try it again............but tomorrow is another day! So with that happy thought, I will leave you kind folks to go get some sleep. If I don't get back to post again before this weekend, I pray that each of you have a blessed Easter, and that you remember to thank our risen Saviour for shedding his blood for each of us.
God's Blessings to you all!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Stretched too thin
Good Evening, and God's Blessings to each of you.
I've not posted in some time, and to be honest, the days since my last post are all a jumbled blur. So much going on in so many different places, and I never know which direction to go. So many of my dear loved ones have been and are still sick, and I feel the need in my heart to help everyone all at once, and simply cannot be everywhere at one time. Beryl and both of his folks are very sick, and we finally got his Mom into the Dr. yesterday. I explained the situation at home, and he even called in some meds for Dad. They are both on antibiotics now, and a cough syrup with codeine. I was so in hopes and praying that the codeine would bring much needed sleep to the whole household, but it didn't happen. Mom still coughed all night, and Dad still talked out of his head all night. Beryl has been up since 12:30 last night, and is so exhausted, he fell asleep at the table today at lunch. Just sitting there eating his swiss steak, and stopped moving! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! This worries me SO much, afraid that he will go to sleep while driving, or get hurt while working on an oil well. We had a LONG talk today about everything that's going on, and the truth is, he needs your prayers. He FINALLY admitted that he knows that Dad is most likely in his final days, and for those of you who don't know Beryl, THIS IS HUGE!!!!! We started making plans for "when the time comes", and I pray now that it will bring some peace to his heart and soul. He is such a loving, tenderhearted man, and is trying so hard to hang on to the active, vibrant Father that he's had all his life, and the truth is, THAT man just is no longer there. The Father that Beryl is clinging to has been gone for almost 2 years now, and to admit it was a giant step forward for him. My heart aches for him and the pain he is feeling, and I ask again for you to keep the whole situation in your prayers, please.
My little Cooter-bug still isn't back to his usual self. He just doesn't feel very good, and will NOT eat any solid food, and we have to coax him to even drink.
Although today he drank much better than yesterday! And today, he had a mild meltdown on me for the first time. He just didn't feel good, and started crying, which made his little nose run, which set off his coughing, which made him mad, which made him scream, which hurt his throat,..................which all lasted for about 20 minutes or so, and then..........POOF! He just quit!!! So we giggled and cuddled for a couple of minutes, and I put him back down in his crib, and he zonked immediately...............for almost two and a half hours. (At which point Gammo had to go out on the front porch and have her OWN meltdown!) When he next woke, he was just fine, and we had the best time, we even went outdoors and sat on the front porch and watched the birds and the squirrels, and the people out walking, and the kids across the street at the playground, and learned to wave at the cars that drove by. I hated for it to end. We were still out there when his Momma got here, and he was so happy to see her, as usual. I so wish today's weather was here to stay, but it turns cool again already tomorrow. G-pa bought him a special baby swing to hang in the tree, and we are SO anxious to get it put up!!!! I can't wait to catch it on my new digital camera!!!!
So with that, I think I will quit for now, and get this tired old body to bed. LOL.
I will try to post more often, and hopefully get to put some pictures on here soon.
Thank You for spending time with me, and Thank you in advance for your prayers. You are each such a blessing to me, and I thank God every night in MY prayers for all of you!! God Bless!!!
I've not posted in some time, and to be honest, the days since my last post are all a jumbled blur. So much going on in so many different places, and I never know which direction to go. So many of my dear loved ones have been and are still sick, and I feel the need in my heart to help everyone all at once, and simply cannot be everywhere at one time. Beryl and both of his folks are very sick, and we finally got his Mom into the Dr. yesterday. I explained the situation at home, and he even called in some meds for Dad. They are both on antibiotics now, and a cough syrup with codeine. I was so in hopes and praying that the codeine would bring much needed sleep to the whole household, but it didn't happen. Mom still coughed all night, and Dad still talked out of his head all night. Beryl has been up since 12:30 last night, and is so exhausted, he fell asleep at the table today at lunch. Just sitting there eating his swiss steak, and stopped moving! I couldn't believe what I was seeing! This worries me SO much, afraid that he will go to sleep while driving, or get hurt while working on an oil well. We had a LONG talk today about everything that's going on, and the truth is, he needs your prayers. He FINALLY admitted that he knows that Dad is most likely in his final days, and for those of you who don't know Beryl, THIS IS HUGE!!!!! We started making plans for "when the time comes", and I pray now that it will bring some peace to his heart and soul. He is such a loving, tenderhearted man, and is trying so hard to hang on to the active, vibrant Father that he's had all his life, and the truth is, THAT man just is no longer there. The Father that Beryl is clinging to has been gone for almost 2 years now, and to admit it was a giant step forward for him. My heart aches for him and the pain he is feeling, and I ask again for you to keep the whole situation in your prayers, please.
My little Cooter-bug still isn't back to his usual self. He just doesn't feel very good, and will NOT eat any solid food, and we have to coax him to even drink.
Although today he drank much better than yesterday! And today, he had a mild meltdown on me for the first time. He just didn't feel good, and started crying, which made his little nose run, which set off his coughing, which made him mad, which made him scream, which hurt his throat,..................which all lasted for about 20 minutes or so, and then..........POOF! He just quit!!! So we giggled and cuddled for a couple of minutes, and I put him back down in his crib, and he zonked immediately...............for almost two and a half hours. (At which point Gammo had to go out on the front porch and have her OWN meltdown!) When he next woke, he was just fine, and we had the best time, we even went outdoors and sat on the front porch and watched the birds and the squirrels, and the people out walking, and the kids across the street at the playground, and learned to wave at the cars that drove by. I hated for it to end. We were still out there when his Momma got here, and he was so happy to see her, as usual. I so wish today's weather was here to stay, but it turns cool again already tomorrow. G-pa bought him a special baby swing to hang in the tree, and we are SO anxious to get it put up!!!! I can't wait to catch it on my new digital camera!!!!
So with that, I think I will quit for now, and get this tired old body to bed. LOL.
I will try to post more often, and hopefully get to put some pictures on here soon.
Thank You for spending time with me, and Thank you in advance for your prayers. You are each such a blessing to me, and I thank God every night in MY prayers for all of you!! God Bless!!!
Monday, March 3, 2008
Bring on the Springtime!
O.K., people, let's all band together and think our most positive thoughts to get on with the business of SPRING!!!! This past weekend was nothing short of CRAZY! Friday was beautiful, with the sun shining and nice warm temps, then Saturday was warm, but the wind was miserable! Sunday started out warm, but still windy, and by noon the thunder started rolling, and then came the POURING rains, and the wind switched to the north and the temp dropped 18 degrees in 30 minutes! BRRRR! The rain poured all afternoon, and by early evening, there were reports of tornados in the southern part of the state, and after dark, I saw a few snowflakes! All in one day. God's awesome power at work, for sure!
Speaking of God's awesome power, I am so happy, no, .......THRILLED that my dear friend Lora is feeling better. What a scarey episode she's been through! I visited with her today via e-mails, and come to find out, it was even worse than we were being told. Thank You, Sweet Jesus for seeing her through it!!! Please keep her in your prayers, everyone, as she still has a LONG row to hoe!
My precious little James will be 10 months old tomorrow, and I, for one, am in awe of how fast this first year is closing in on us. He is learning new things every day, and since he started crawling, the pace around here has sure picked up, lemme tell ya'!!! LOL He brings more joy into this house each and every day, and continues to amaze me with all his antics. He is mimmicking nearly everything he hears, and we are working on saying new words. And his sense of humor is absolutely hysterical. I just love to hear him laugh.....sweet music to my ears!
O.K., my blogging friends, now it's your turn to do some up-dating, and catching up. I want to hear all the latest from all of you. Thanks for checking in on me, and God Bless each of you.............real BIG!!!!
Speaking of God's awesome power, I am so happy, no, .......THRILLED that my dear friend Lora is feeling better. What a scarey episode she's been through! I visited with her today via e-mails, and come to find out, it was even worse than we were being told. Thank You, Sweet Jesus for seeing her through it!!! Please keep her in your prayers, everyone, as she still has a LONG row to hoe!
My precious little James will be 10 months old tomorrow, and I, for one, am in awe of how fast this first year is closing in on us. He is learning new things every day, and since he started crawling, the pace around here has sure picked up, lemme tell ya'!!! LOL He brings more joy into this house each and every day, and continues to amaze me with all his antics. He is mimmicking nearly everything he hears, and we are working on saying new words. And his sense of humor is absolutely hysterical. I just love to hear him laugh.....sweet music to my ears!
O.K., my blogging friends, now it's your turn to do some up-dating, and catching up. I want to hear all the latest from all of you. Thanks for checking in on me, and God Bless each of you.............real BIG!!!!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Where have I been?
After reading my daughter's blog today, I figured I'd better do some catching up. Truth is, you can read nearly everything I have to say on HER blog!!! LOL
She has such a gift with words, and is so good at telling a story that I just pale in comparison. Not that I'm competing with her, but the truth is the truth. I'm very simple minded, and she is very eloquent. Her writings have always been
fabulous, starting way back in grade school. She honestly has a God given talent for it, and it is just one more reason for me to be so very proud of her.
That being said, I will continue with my ramblings. I've been on a very emotional roller coaster for the past couple of weeks. Nothing that I can't work through, it's just hard to do. And in these crazy times, when everyone is always in such a hurry to get where they are going, I am often left feeling alone and empty. My two best friends live hours away from me, and in seperate directions. My friend Lora, is very, very sick right now, and is literally fighting for her life. She is going through the process of being put on the transplant list, needing a new heart and lung. The distance between us is breaking MY heart, because I can't be there to help care for her. Another friend, Cheryl, is also too far away to "run and see her" without it being a weekend trip, at the least. She and her husband are responsible for me having this computer in the first place, it was a gift from them, and I will always cherish their generosity. Ironically, I have this computer to make it easier to keep in touch with Lora! Cheryl and Phil have two beautiful girls, and the oldest is MY God-daughter, and the youngest one is Heather's. How cool is that? But the miles between us makes it nearly impossible to get together. Then there are my parents, who are both in generally good health, and are only 17 miles from me. My Mom comes to spend the day with us once a week, to spend time with James, my precious grandbaby. She and James are becoming very close, and for that I am so thankful. But I don't get over to their house to visit, or to help with things around the house like I should. Now let me tell you about my In-law's.
I honestly don't know where to begin. I love them so much, but am so frustrated with them. And then I get to feeling guilty for getting frustrated, and, you see the vicious circle starting? Dad is almost 93, and is mentally slipping away, and is slipping faster all the time. He lives in a state of confusion all the time now, and when you try to explain something to him, he gets so angry, and accuses us of lying to him. He has nerve damage from a job injury many years ago, which now leaves him feeling like he has bugs crawling on him, mostly at night. So he usually sleeps in his lift chair now, but when he goes to get up in the night, he either forgets or can't get the footrest down to get up. He has fallen a couple of times already, but no injuries, thank God. Now Mom, well, Mom is a whole nother story. She is 79 now, and mentally still pretty sharp, but physically is very weak and frail. I have to take her to the Dr. every Tuesday to have labs drawn, and to get a shot of iron. She is diabetic, but has a horrible sweet tooth, and is constantly eating the wrong foods, which make all of us angry, and worried. She is at home alone with Dad all day, and we just can't get it through her head that she could pass out from bad blood sugars, and then Dad wouldn't know what to do to help her. And my big-hearted Beryl is stuck right in the middle of it all. He is an only child, so he and I are all they have. I admire his willingness to care for them as long as possible, and he does a good job of it, but it has started wearing on HIS health, also. He is up with Dad all hours of the night, and gets very little sleep. These days, 4 hours is a good night for him, and I don't mean 4 hours in a row, they are all in little cat-naps through the night. He is bone tired, and having a VERY hard time coming to grips with the fact that Dad won't be with us much longer. He just can't accept it. He and his Dad are the best of friends, and always have been. That's how Beryl got into the oil-pumping business..........his Dad was a pumper before him. Dad started taking Beryl out into the oilfields with him as a little tot, before he was even 2 yrs. old, and has taught Beryl everything he knows. Now, being an oil pumper is alot of work. Lots of physical labor, and you work 7 days a week, even holidays. Beryl hasn't had a whole day off in almost 12 years, since he went back to work after being burned. Before that he hadn't had a day off in 20 years!!!! So getting him to slow down and take it easy is like pulling a tiger's tooth! Now, on the weekends, he can hurry through, and make good time, and usually get done by noon. And if things are going O.K. with his folks, we try to get out and do something, usually to an auction, or the flea market, and then go do his Mom's grocery shopping for her. But even then, he needs to be home fairly early in the night, to dispense meds, and help with Dad's breathing treatment, etc. There just is no end to his caring for those he loves. That includes me, and Heather, and James. He gets sad sometimes because he hardly gets to see Heather anymore, but their schedules just don't co-incide.
He absolutely adores James, and the two of them are going to be best buddies, you can tell that already. He is so proud to be called "Grandpa", and is always telling his friends about his little "Cooter".
And through it all. I am struggling with the fact that I can't give any of the most precious people in my life the time and attention they deserve. We are all so busy with our own irons in the fire, and I am feeling like we have ALL begun to take each other for granted. None of us knows when we will draw our last breath on this earth, and yet, there is never enough time in the day to spend time with each of them. I am so consious of telling every one of them that I love them each and every time I see them, or even write an e-mail to them, and not one of them knows just HOW MUCH they are truely cherished. I can only pray
(as I do every night) that if it is ME who draws my last breath in my sleep, they will each be left here knowing without a doubt that they were loved so deeply and so completely by someone too simple minded to explain it to them........Me.
She has such a gift with words, and is so good at telling a story that I just pale in comparison. Not that I'm competing with her, but the truth is the truth. I'm very simple minded, and she is very eloquent. Her writings have always been
fabulous, starting way back in grade school. She honestly has a God given talent for it, and it is just one more reason for me to be so very proud of her.
That being said, I will continue with my ramblings. I've been on a very emotional roller coaster for the past couple of weeks. Nothing that I can't work through, it's just hard to do. And in these crazy times, when everyone is always in such a hurry to get where they are going, I am often left feeling alone and empty. My two best friends live hours away from me, and in seperate directions. My friend Lora, is very, very sick right now, and is literally fighting for her life. She is going through the process of being put on the transplant list, needing a new heart and lung. The distance between us is breaking MY heart, because I can't be there to help care for her. Another friend, Cheryl, is also too far away to "run and see her" without it being a weekend trip, at the least. She and her husband are responsible for me having this computer in the first place, it was a gift from them, and I will always cherish their generosity. Ironically, I have this computer to make it easier to keep in touch with Lora! Cheryl and Phil have two beautiful girls, and the oldest is MY God-daughter, and the youngest one is Heather's. How cool is that? But the miles between us makes it nearly impossible to get together. Then there are my parents, who are both in generally good health, and are only 17 miles from me. My Mom comes to spend the day with us once a week, to spend time with James, my precious grandbaby. She and James are becoming very close, and for that I am so thankful. But I don't get over to their house to visit, or to help with things around the house like I should. Now let me tell you about my In-law's.
I honestly don't know where to begin. I love them so much, but am so frustrated with them. And then I get to feeling guilty for getting frustrated, and, you see the vicious circle starting? Dad is almost 93, and is mentally slipping away, and is slipping faster all the time. He lives in a state of confusion all the time now, and when you try to explain something to him, he gets so angry, and accuses us of lying to him. He has nerve damage from a job injury many years ago, which now leaves him feeling like he has bugs crawling on him, mostly at night. So he usually sleeps in his lift chair now, but when he goes to get up in the night, he either forgets or can't get the footrest down to get up. He has fallen a couple of times already, but no injuries, thank God. Now Mom, well, Mom is a whole nother story. She is 79 now, and mentally still pretty sharp, but physically is very weak and frail. I have to take her to the Dr. every Tuesday to have labs drawn, and to get a shot of iron. She is diabetic, but has a horrible sweet tooth, and is constantly eating the wrong foods, which make all of us angry, and worried. She is at home alone with Dad all day, and we just can't get it through her head that she could pass out from bad blood sugars, and then Dad wouldn't know what to do to help her. And my big-hearted Beryl is stuck right in the middle of it all. He is an only child, so he and I are all they have. I admire his willingness to care for them as long as possible, and he does a good job of it, but it has started wearing on HIS health, also. He is up with Dad all hours of the night, and gets very little sleep. These days, 4 hours is a good night for him, and I don't mean 4 hours in a row, they are all in little cat-naps through the night. He is bone tired, and having a VERY hard time coming to grips with the fact that Dad won't be with us much longer. He just can't accept it. He and his Dad are the best of friends, and always have been. That's how Beryl got into the oil-pumping business..........his Dad was a pumper before him. Dad started taking Beryl out into the oilfields with him as a little tot, before he was even 2 yrs. old, and has taught Beryl everything he knows. Now, being an oil pumper is alot of work. Lots of physical labor, and you work 7 days a week, even holidays. Beryl hasn't had a whole day off in almost 12 years, since he went back to work after being burned. Before that he hadn't had a day off in 20 years!!!! So getting him to slow down and take it easy is like pulling a tiger's tooth! Now, on the weekends, he can hurry through, and make good time, and usually get done by noon. And if things are going O.K. with his folks, we try to get out and do something, usually to an auction, or the flea market, and then go do his Mom's grocery shopping for her. But even then, he needs to be home fairly early in the night, to dispense meds, and help with Dad's breathing treatment, etc. There just is no end to his caring for those he loves. That includes me, and Heather, and James. He gets sad sometimes because he hardly gets to see Heather anymore, but their schedules just don't co-incide.
He absolutely adores James, and the two of them are going to be best buddies, you can tell that already. He is so proud to be called "Grandpa", and is always telling his friends about his little "Cooter".
And through it all. I am struggling with the fact that I can't give any of the most precious people in my life the time and attention they deserve. We are all so busy with our own irons in the fire, and I am feeling like we have ALL begun to take each other for granted. None of us knows when we will draw our last breath on this earth, and yet, there is never enough time in the day to spend time with each of them. I am so consious of telling every one of them that I love them each and every time I see them, or even write an e-mail to them, and not one of them knows just HOW MUCH they are truely cherished. I can only pray
(as I do every night) that if it is ME who draws my last breath in my sleep, they will each be left here knowing without a doubt that they were loved so deeply and so completely by someone too simple minded to explain it to them........Me.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Logic vs. Heartbreak
So today I get an e-mail from my daughter, showing me some Gerber products that she was interested in finding for my little man-babe. It is a really cool feeding bowl, and a special spoon "dipper", designed to make it easier for him to learn to feed himself. He is eating really well, and will eat anything we put on a spoon..........and is doing GREAT getting the Cheerios all the way to his mouth now. My first reaction was "sure, let's give it a try". .......And then it was time to feed him his lunch. A ton of bricks landed on my heart. While feeding him, I realized just how much I love our time together at the table. We are totally focused on each other, and laughing, and having the best time.......O.K., I'll just come right out and say it......he is depending on me. And since then, I've been struggling with the concept of letting go of that. I know, it's TOTALLY selfish of me, and TOTALLY illogical, but I can't help it. He's growing SO fast, and I just want to stop the clock! My head tells me another door will open, but my heart screams NNOOOO!!!!!!! Is it actually the feeding time that bonds us, or is it the sweet cuddle time that comes shortly afterwards, when his little tummy is full, and we've played for a bit, and he gets sleepy, and lays his head on my shoulder, and pats my arm while I sing his "sleepy song"? Or the combination of it all? Is it wrong of me to want him to need me forever? I felt the very same way with his Momma, and she STILL grew up on me!! I think the fact that I know from experience just how quickly the years fly by is what makes me even more scared with him than I was with my own. I'm having a harder time letting myself let go of all the infancy stages this time. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to all there is to come, I've just learned the hard way how much these days need to be savored, and the older I get, the faster it seems to go. More time,.........I just want more time..........
Friday, February 8, 2008
The Winter Roller Coaster
Good Friday Evening to you all....
This week just seemed to drag by for me. I'm so sick of snow and slush and mud I could scream! The weather has been so wierd.......unseasonably warm one day, and then 5 inches of snow the next. Today was gorgeous, and tomorrow looks to be even better, and then Sunday is going back to being cold again. My parents both have had nasty colds all week, so Grams didn't get to come and visit this week. I really missed her, too. I could use a good hug from my own Mommy.
One of my dearest friends, L, is very ill right now, fighting PPH. The battle that she is fighting is a slow and painful one. As if she doesn't have enough on her plate right now, she slipped and fell this week and broke her arm. I've cried an ocean of tears since receiving the news, and am still very emotional about it. She is the most caring, giving, loving person, and I struggle every day trying to understand why these things happen to such good people. I claim to be strong in faith, yet sometimes I question His will. And then THAT upsets me with myself, and I start crying all over again. Logic tells me it is human nature, but I still feel shameful. I get so angry sometimes, and just want to scream to the Heavens...............and then He teaches me a lesson once again. One that I will never forget. H had a problem with her alarm clock this morning, and was running very late for work. I knew she was upset at the situation, and knew she would be in a hurry while driving. As soon as she dropped J off this morning, I stopped and said a prayer asking God to keep her safe.
WELL, little did I know that He already had!!! As she was driving into town, she was stuck in traffic because of a multi-car pileup. She had to find a different route to work, and while crossing a bridge overlooking the interstate, she saw all the traffic still backed up, and it occured to her that had she been on time this morning, it very well could have been HER involved in the accident. "Our God is an awesome God, He reigns"!!!! His hand is in every aspect of our lives, and sometimes He just needs to remind me. Thank You, Lord, for keeping her safe, and for the lesson learned.
J is doing very well, learning new things every day. I just love his little "lightbulb moments" Today we were on the floor playing with his different colored stacking rings. (You've ALL seen them, they've been around forever), we had been rolling them, and tossing them, and having a wonderful time, when all of a sudden, he picks up the big blue one, and looks at me, and then puts it up to his eye and looks through it at me. Apparently I looked totally goofy that way, because he just started LAUGHING! Then he had to do it with all the other ones, and I joined in the game, and he was belly laughing for the longest time. I could have played it all day.........I just adore hearing him laugh. My sweet Momma has always said "no day is complete until you hear the laughter of a child". How true! It must have worn him out, tho, because shortly after that he took a nap for almost 2 hours. The silence was heart breakingly deafning. I love him so.........
This week just seemed to drag by for me. I'm so sick of snow and slush and mud I could scream! The weather has been so wierd.......unseasonably warm one day, and then 5 inches of snow the next. Today was gorgeous, and tomorrow looks to be even better, and then Sunday is going back to being cold again. My parents both have had nasty colds all week, so Grams didn't get to come and visit this week. I really missed her, too. I could use a good hug from my own Mommy.
One of my dearest friends, L, is very ill right now, fighting PPH. The battle that she is fighting is a slow and painful one. As if she doesn't have enough on her plate right now, she slipped and fell this week and broke her arm. I've cried an ocean of tears since receiving the news, and am still very emotional about it. She is the most caring, giving, loving person, and I struggle every day trying to understand why these things happen to such good people. I claim to be strong in faith, yet sometimes I question His will. And then THAT upsets me with myself, and I start crying all over again. Logic tells me it is human nature, but I still feel shameful. I get so angry sometimes, and just want to scream to the Heavens...............and then He teaches me a lesson once again. One that I will never forget. H had a problem with her alarm clock this morning, and was running very late for work. I knew she was upset at the situation, and knew she would be in a hurry while driving. As soon as she dropped J off this morning, I stopped and said a prayer asking God to keep her safe.
WELL, little did I know that He already had!!! As she was driving into town, she was stuck in traffic because of a multi-car pileup. She had to find a different route to work, and while crossing a bridge overlooking the interstate, she saw all the traffic still backed up, and it occured to her that had she been on time this morning, it very well could have been HER involved in the accident. "Our God is an awesome God, He reigns"!!!! His hand is in every aspect of our lives, and sometimes He just needs to remind me. Thank You, Lord, for keeping her safe, and for the lesson learned.
J is doing very well, learning new things every day. I just love his little "lightbulb moments" Today we were on the floor playing with his different colored stacking rings. (You've ALL seen them, they've been around forever), we had been rolling them, and tossing them, and having a wonderful time, when all of a sudden, he picks up the big blue one, and looks at me, and then puts it up to his eye and looks through it at me. Apparently I looked totally goofy that way, because he just started LAUGHING! Then he had to do it with all the other ones, and I joined in the game, and he was belly laughing for the longest time. I could have played it all day.........I just adore hearing him laugh. My sweet Momma has always said "no day is complete until you hear the laughter of a child". How true! It must have worn him out, tho, because shortly after that he took a nap for almost 2 hours. The silence was heart breakingly deafning. I love him so.........
Monday, February 4, 2008
Nine months old already!
Today my little man is 9 months old.........how can this be? It seems like just a month ago, we were sitting in the hospital with him in his little incubator, with I.V.'s in his tiny head, praying SO hard...........And today, I sat in his room and watched him sleeping so soundly and peacefully, and the prayers were of a totally different sort. The tears just started rolling down my cheeks, and I wanted to pick him up and hold him so bad.........but I was a good Gammo, and waited for him to wake up. The thing that surprises me the most is that the "new" never wears off. Each time I see him, my heart soars. Every new milestone fills me with giddy-ness. As soon as he leaves here in the evening, I find myself missing him, wondering what he is doing at home. Every time he smiles at me, or better yet, laughs out loud, my heart skips a beat. And just today, as I was holding him, he laid his head on my shoulder, and started patting my arm..............there are no words for it! I thought surely it was just a fluke, but later in the day, he did it again! How do I describe the scope of the love that I feel for him? It is merely impossible. And then, also, there is his precious Mommy. How many times while she was growing up did I wonder about her having her own babies? Too many to count. She was meant to be a mother, right from the start. I knew she would be a fabulous mom, and she has proven me SO right. I just adore watching the look on J's face when she walks in the house in the evening to get him. His face just lights the whole world, and he starts his little "monkey jump", and well, here we go with my heart again! You still make my heart soar too, H, and I'm sorry I don't tell you often enough just how proud I am of you. Of the wonderful, loving, caring woman you are, to the fabulous Mother you are to J. I love you, my little baby girl, and I want the whole world to know it. God Bless You, honey.
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I never get enough of my little love bug!
