Where have I been?

After reading my daughter's blog today, I figured I'd better do some catching up. Truth is, you can read nearly everything I have to say on HER blog!!! LOL
She has such a gift with words, and is so good at telling a story that I just pale in comparison. Not that I'm competing with her, but the truth is the truth. I'm very simple minded, and she is very eloquent. Her writings have always been
fabulous, starting way back in grade school. She honestly has a God given talent for it, and it is just one more reason for me to be so very proud of her.

That being said, I will continue with my ramblings. I've been on a very emotional roller coaster for the past couple of weeks. Nothing that I can't work through, it's just hard to do. And in these crazy times, when everyone is always in such a hurry to get where they are going, I am often left feeling alone and empty. My two best friends live hours away from me, and in seperate directions. My friend Lora, is very, very sick right now, and is literally fighting for her life. She is going through the process of being put on the transplant list, needing a new heart and lung. The distance between us is breaking MY heart, because I can't be there to help care for her. Another friend, Cheryl, is also too far away to "run and see her" without it being a weekend trip, at the least. She and her husband are responsible for me having this computer in the first place, it was a gift from them, and I will always cherish their generosity. Ironically, I have this computer to make it easier to keep in touch with Lora! Cheryl and Phil have two beautiful girls, and the oldest is MY God-daughter, and the youngest one is Heather's. How cool is that? But the miles between us makes it nearly impossible to get together. Then there are my parents, who are both in generally good health, and are only 17 miles from me. My Mom comes to spend the day with us once a week, to spend time with James, my precious grandbaby. She and James are becoming very close, and for that I am so thankful. But I don't get over to their house to visit, or to help with things around the house like I should. Now let me tell you about my In-law's.
I honestly don't know where to begin. I love them so much, but am so frustrated with them. And then I get to feeling guilty for getting frustrated, and, you see the vicious circle starting? Dad is almost 93, and is mentally slipping away, and is slipping faster all the time. He lives in a state of confusion all the time now, and when you try to explain something to him, he gets so angry, and accuses us of lying to him. He has nerve damage from a job injury many years ago, which now leaves him feeling like he has bugs crawling on him, mostly at night. So he usually sleeps in his lift chair now, but when he goes to get up in the night, he either forgets or can't get the footrest down to get up. He has fallen a couple of times already, but no injuries, thank God. Now Mom, well, Mom is a whole nother story. She is 79 now, and mentally still pretty sharp, but physically is very weak and frail. I have to take her to the Dr. every Tuesday to have labs drawn, and to get a shot of iron. She is diabetic, but has a horrible sweet tooth, and is constantly eating the wrong foods, which make all of us angry, and worried. She is at home alone with Dad all day, and we just can't get it through her head that she could pass out from bad blood sugars, and then Dad wouldn't know what to do to help her. And my big-hearted Beryl is stuck right in the middle of it all. He is an only child, so he and I are all they have. I admire his willingness to care for them as long as possible, and he does a good job of it, but it has started wearing on HIS health, also. He is up with Dad all hours of the night, and gets very little sleep. These days, 4 hours is a good night for him, and I don't mean 4 hours in a row, they are all in little cat-naps through the night. He is bone tired, and having a VERY hard time coming to grips with the fact that Dad won't be with us much longer. He just can't accept it. He and his Dad are the best of friends, and always have been. That's how Beryl got into the oil-pumping business..........his Dad was a pumper before him. Dad started taking Beryl out into the oilfields with him as a little tot, before he was even 2 yrs. old, and has taught Beryl everything he knows. Now, being an oil pumper is alot of work. Lots of physical labor, and you work 7 days a week, even holidays. Beryl hasn't had a whole day off in almost 12 years, since he went back to work after being burned. Before that he hadn't had a day off in 20 years!!!! So getting him to slow down and take it easy is like pulling a tiger's tooth! Now, on the weekends, he can hurry through, and make good time, and usually get done by noon. And if things are going O.K. with his folks, we try to get out and do something, usually to an auction, or the flea market, and then go do his Mom's grocery shopping for her. But even then, he needs to be home fairly early in the night, to dispense meds, and help with Dad's breathing treatment, etc. There just is no end to his caring for those he loves. That includes me, and Heather, and James. He gets sad sometimes because he hardly gets to see Heather anymore, but their schedules just don't co-incide.
He absolutely adores James, and the two of them are going to be best buddies, you can tell that already. He is so proud to be called "Grandpa", and is always telling his friends about his little "Cooter".
And through it all. I am struggling with the fact that I can't give any of the most precious people in my life the time and attention they deserve. We are all so busy with our own irons in the fire, and I am feeling like we have ALL begun to take each other for granted. None of us knows when we will draw our last breath on this earth, and yet, there is never enough time in the day to spend time with each of them. I am so consious of telling every one of them that I love them each and every time I see them, or even write an e-mail to them, and not one of them knows just HOW MUCH they are truely cherished. I can only pray
(as I do every night) that if it is ME who draws my last breath in my sleep, they will each be left here knowing without a doubt that they were loved so deeply and so completely by someone too simple minded to explain it to them........Me.

Logic vs. Heartbreak

So today I get an e-mail from my daughter, showing me some Gerber products that she was interested in finding for my little man-babe. It is a really cool feeding bowl, and a special spoon "dipper", designed to make it easier for him to learn to feed himself. He is eating really well, and will eat anything we put on a spoon..........and is doing GREAT getting the Cheerios all the way to his mouth now. My first reaction was "sure, let's give it a try". .......And then it was time to feed him his lunch. A ton of bricks landed on my heart. While feeding him, I realized just how much I love our time together at the table. We are totally focused on each other, and laughing, and having the best time.......O.K., I'll just come right out and say it......he is depending on me. And since then, I've been struggling with the concept of letting go of that. I know, it's TOTALLY selfish of me, and TOTALLY illogical, but I can't help it. He's growing SO fast, and I just want to stop the clock! My head tells me another door will open, but my heart screams NNOOOO!!!!!!! Is it actually the feeding time that bonds us, or is it the sweet cuddle time that comes shortly afterwards, when his little tummy is full, and we've played for a bit, and he gets sleepy, and lays his head on my shoulder, and pats my arm while I sing his "sleepy song"? Or the combination of it all? Is it wrong of me to want him to need me forever? I felt the very same way with his Momma, and she STILL grew up on me!! I think the fact that I know from experience just how quickly the years fly by is what makes me even more scared with him than I was with my own. I'm having a harder time letting myself let go of all the infancy stages this time. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to all there is to come, I've just learned the hard way how much these days need to be savored, and the older I get, the faster it seems to go. More time,.........I just want more time..........

The Winter Roller Coaster

Good Friday Evening to you all....
This week just seemed to drag by for me. I'm so sick of snow and slush and mud I could scream! The weather has been so wierd.......unseasonably warm one day, and then 5 inches of snow the next. Today was gorgeous, and tomorrow looks to be even better, and then Sunday is going back to being cold again. My parents both have had nasty colds all week, so Grams didn't get to come and visit this week. I really missed her, too. I could use a good hug from my own Mommy.
One of my dearest friends, L, is very ill right now, fighting PPH. The battle that she is fighting is a slow and painful one. As if she doesn't have enough on her plate right now, she slipped and fell this week and broke her arm. I've cried an ocean of tears since receiving the news, and am still very emotional about it. She is the most caring, giving, loving person, and I struggle every day trying to understand why these things happen to such good people. I claim to be strong in faith, yet sometimes I question His will. And then THAT upsets me with myself, and I start crying all over again. Logic tells me it is human nature, but I still feel shameful. I get so angry sometimes, and just want to scream to the Heavens...............and then He teaches me a lesson once again. One that I will never forget. H had a problem with her alarm clock this morning, and was running very late for work. I knew she was upset at the situation, and knew she would be in a hurry while driving. As soon as she dropped J off this morning, I stopped and said a prayer asking God to keep her safe.
WELL, little did I know that He already had!!! As she was driving into town, she was stuck in traffic because of a multi-car pileup. She had to find a different route to work, and while crossing a bridge overlooking the interstate, she saw all the traffic still backed up, and it occured to her that had she been on time this morning, it very well could have been HER involved in the accident. "Our God is an awesome God, He reigns"!!!! His hand is in every aspect of our lives, and sometimes He just needs to remind me. Thank You, Lord, for keeping her safe, and for the lesson learned.
J is doing very well, learning new things every day. I just love his little "lightbulb moments" Today we were on the floor playing with his different colored stacking rings. (You've ALL seen them, they've been around forever), we had been rolling them, and tossing them, and having a wonderful time, when all of a sudden, he picks up the big blue one, and looks at me, and then puts it up to his eye and looks through it at me. Apparently I looked totally goofy that way, because he just started LAUGHING! Then he had to do it with all the other ones, and I joined in the game, and he was belly laughing for the longest time. I could have played it all day.........I just adore hearing him laugh. My sweet Momma has always said "no day is complete until you hear the laughter of a child". How true! It must have worn him out, tho, because shortly after that he took a nap for almost 2 hours. The silence was heart breakingly deafning. I love him so.........

Nine months old already!

Today my little man is 9 months old.........how can this be? It seems like just a month ago, we were sitting in the hospital with him in his little incubator, with I.V.'s in his tiny head, praying SO hard...........And today, I sat in his room and watched him sleeping so soundly and peacefully, and the prayers were of a totally different sort. The tears just started rolling down my cheeks, and I wanted to pick him up and hold him so bad.........but I was a good Gammo, and waited for him to wake up. The thing that surprises me the most is that the "new" never wears off. Each time I see him, my heart soars. Every new milestone fills me with giddy-ness. As soon as he leaves here in the evening, I find myself missing him, wondering what he is doing at home. Every time he smiles at me, or better yet, laughs out loud, my heart skips a beat. And just today, as I was holding him, he laid his head on my shoulder, and started patting my arm..............there are no words for it! I thought surely it was just a fluke, but later in the day, he did it again! How do I describe the scope of the love that I feel for him? It is merely impossible. And then, also, there is his precious Mommy. How many times while she was growing up did I wonder about her having her own babies? Too many to count. She was meant to be a mother, right from the start. I knew she would be a fabulous mom, and she has proven me SO right. I just adore watching the look on J's face when she walks in the house in the evening to get him. His face just lights the whole world, and he starts his little "monkey jump", and well, here we go with my heart again! You still make my heart soar too, H, and I'm sorry I don't tell you often enough just how proud I am of you. Of the wonderful, loving, caring woman you are, to the fabulous Mother you are to J. I love you, my little baby girl, and I want the whole world to know it. God Bless You, honey.

One bid to buy, now two.......

Hello, my loved ones!
Did everyone have a good weekend? We finally got a break in the weather, and actually got to see some SUNSHINE!!!! YEAH!! I don't know about you, but the sunshine directly relates to my moods! A day or two is about all I can take without becoming a royal horses patoot! When the clouds roll in, I want to bake, and sleep, but after just a couple of days, I'm ready to bring back the sun!
My honey, B, and I LOVE to go to auctions. Almost everything in my house is from an auction or a flea market, or a garage sale. I just love to find a good ole' bargain! Now, in case you didn't know, B is back living at the farm, taking care of his parents. His dad is 92 yrs. old, and is in poor health. Not so terribly bad PHYSICALLY, but his mind is slipping away now, and is so confused alot of the time. His mom is 79 yrs old, and is mentally still pretty sharp, but has declined quickly in the last 3 yrs or so as far as her physical health. So you see the problem here..........they both require much help and attention, and neither is much help to the other. So my precious B takes care of them, which means he doesn't get to get out near as much anymore. But if the folks are having a "good" day, we try to go to the auctions as much as possible. Now keep in mind, he has a 7 day a week job. Weekends, holidays, all of them. So when he gets the chance to get away from work or the house, WE GO.
So Saturday after work, we went to an auction and spent most of the day. Found some good deals, some antique furniture for my bedroom, a wood toy chest for J, (which will have to be painted to match his Nascar theme in his bedroom here at Gammo's house), and a realy cool clock for B that tells the time for anywhere in the world. (He collects clocks). Then to Pizza Hut for supper. Then, this morning, after work, we went to check out another auction, but didn't find anything we wanted to stick around for, so we went to the fairgrounds to the flea market. FUN!!! We came away with several bags of goodies, and some old John Wayne movies on VHS for his dad to watch. Then we went to eat my favorite..........MEXICAN for an early supper, and then to Target to check on a digital camera that is on sale, (didn't get it, think I can do better), and then to Wal-Mart for groceries. Poor B was whooped by then, and just sat on one of their benches while I shopped. That is, until we got to the "Cooter" dept. THEN Grandpa was in the mood again! LOL He just loves to spoil that baby. I don't know who's gonna be the hardest to "raise". But we have fun at it, and I thank God every single day that B is so in love with both H and J. Having him to share in my joy just doubles the fun. So that's it, folks. My big, exciting weekend is over far too soon. The GOOD stress is that tomorrow morning, I get to start another splendid week with my little Cooter-bug. CAN'T WAIT!!! I hope you all have a blessed week, and thank you for spending time with me here. God Bless You All.............

Ho-Hum

Is it just me, or is anyone else sick of this weather? I just could not seem to get going today. First of all, I had a terrible night sleeping last night, I had a headache that kept waking me up every few minutes. I took enough Excedrin to drop a bull moose, and finally thought of an ice pack on my head at about 5:00. That seemed to do the trick, and the next thing I knew, it was time for my baby to arrive. So all day long I was just dragging, and the cloudy, blustry day just added to my..........BLAH. This evening, I took H and J home, and then B and I went to town to do his mother's grocery shopping. We stopped for supper first, and ran into some friends of ours that we hadn't seen in ages. It was so good to just sit and laugh and visit! So here it is, almost midnight, and we have a packed weekend ahead of us, so I'm going to try and get some sleep now. I'll let you know if we find any bargains at the auctions! LOL Nite-Nite, and God Bless You All.